Confusion...

Have you ever thought you knew everything about someone and then they do something that totally shakes the foundation of everything you "thought" you  knew? Yea, that happened to me recently...My first reaction when I learned of this (we'll call it the "event") "event" was a healthy dose of denial, denial denial denial! Then when I found out it was true, I was shocked, confused, but most of all hurt. I think hurt was the #1 reaction to the "event". (Please don't ask me to elaborate on what the "event" was, because I won't, I come here to vent not explain, thanks) I'm still sifting through my emotions and trying to decide exactly where I stand. I don't know...If hurt is #1 then confused is definitely #2. I've never been so confused about how I feel on an issue like this. But was confuses me the most is out of all the denial, hurt, shock, and confusion, the one thing I haven't felt is anger. And that REALLY confuses me. If you know me at all you might know I have a bit of a temper. So my complete lack of anger has me at a loss as to what to do next. Any other time I'd yell and get mad and work out my anger and the problem all at the same time. But this time I just can't get up a head of steam...I hate feeling like this. Betrayal has just popped into my head. That makes sense, betrayal explains what I've been feeling I think. I don't know how to get past this, it's like being stuck in a rut and you don't have 4 wheel drive, or being adrift on the water and your motor conked out. Silly metaphors I know, but I don't know how else to describe this ache behind my heart. Maybe I'll figure it out, if I do I'll let you know *ABS*

Overtired nonsense

Here I sit, alone, surrounded by people. Like a rock anchored in a rushing river. I sit as everything rushes past me. Sometimes I feel like everybody but me has their shit together. It's like everybody is moving onward and upward and I'm chained to the floor unable to move. I don't know what to do sometimes, I just feel like I've made to many poor choices and now I'm screwed, I can't go back and change what's been done and maybe I don't want to. Or maybe I do. I'm so confused sometimes...I just wish there was somewhere I could turn and *BOOM* all the answers would be crystal clear. But I guess that'd be cheating, huh? If everything was that easy everybody'd have a perfect life and nothing's perfect, right? I just don't know what to think...Anyway, that's just the ramblings of a person who is a little sleep deprived! Please disregard as overtired nonsense! *ABS*

"The world owes you nothing"

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.  Mark Twain

Mark Twain said it best, the world owes you nothing. I've learned that if you don't like your place in life then you have to take steps to change it. I've been in a rut that I've had trouble trying to figure out how to climb out of. I've had to take a good look around myself and re-evaluate just about everything. I've come to know with absolute certainty that my family is my number 1. My husband and my sons are always there for me supporting me and giving me a hand up whenever I need it. Without them I don't know what direction my life would take. They keep me on an even keel. My husband is always the first to tell me when I need to rethink decisions and tell me that he is with me 100% all the time no matter what. I know without a doubt that he loves me with all he has, and I him. He's my rock, my anchor. My boys remind me that laughter is very important in life. They teach me something new at least once a day. Their laughter as they play makes my heart smile and reminds me that everything comes out in the wash. I'm trying to learn new ways to express myself, I've always had problems expressing myself. I tend to keep things bottled up until it fizzes over and I almost explode. So I thought that maybe if I tried to write some of my thoughts out maybe it will help me work through things as I encounter them. *ABS*