Confusion...

Have you ever thought you knew everything about someone and then they do something that totally shakes the foundation of everything you "thought" you  knew? Yea, that happened to me recently...My first reaction when I learned of this (we'll call it the "event") "event" was a healthy dose of denial, denial denial denial! Then when I found out it was true, I was shocked, confused, but most of all hurt. I think hurt was the #1 reaction to the "event". (Please don't ask me to elaborate on what the "event" was, because I won't, I come here to vent not explain, thanks) I'm still sifting through my emotions and trying to decide exactly where I stand. I don't know...If hurt is #1 then confused is definitely #2. I've never been so confused about how I feel on an issue like this. But was confuses me the most is out of all the denial, hurt, shock, and confusion, the one thing I haven't felt is anger. And that REALLY confuses me. If you know me at all you might know I have a bit of a temper. So my complete lack of anger has me at a loss as to what to do next. Any other time I'd yell and get mad and work out my anger and the problem all at the same time. But this time I just can't get up a head of steam...I hate feeling like this. Betrayal has just popped into my head. That makes sense, betrayal explains what I've been feeling I think. I don't know how to get past this, it's like being stuck in a rut and you don't have 4 wheel drive, or being adrift on the water and your motor conked out. Silly metaphors I know, but I don't know how else to describe this ache behind my heart. Maybe I'll figure it out, if I do I'll let you know *ABS*

Overtired nonsense

Here I sit, alone, surrounded by people. Like a rock anchored in a rushing river. I sit as everything rushes past me. Sometimes I feel like everybody but me has their shit together. It's like everybody is moving onward and upward and I'm chained to the floor unable to move. I don't know what to do sometimes, I just feel like I've made to many poor choices and now I'm screwed, I can't go back and change what's been done and maybe I don't want to. Or maybe I do. I'm so confused sometimes...I just wish there was somewhere I could turn and *BOOM* all the answers would be crystal clear. But I guess that'd be cheating, huh? If everything was that easy everybody'd have a perfect life and nothing's perfect, right? I just don't know what to think...Anyway, that's just the ramblings of a person who is a little sleep deprived! Please disregard as overtired nonsense! *ABS*

"The world owes you nothing"

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.  Mark Twain

Mark Twain said it best, the world owes you nothing. I've learned that if you don't like your place in life then you have to take steps to change it. I've been in a rut that I've had trouble trying to figure out how to climb out of. I've had to take a good look around myself and re-evaluate just about everything. I've come to know with absolute certainty that my family is my number 1. My husband and my sons are always there for me supporting me and giving me a hand up whenever I need it. Without them I don't know what direction my life would take. They keep me on an even keel. My husband is always the first to tell me when I need to rethink decisions and tell me that he is with me 100% all the time no matter what. I know without a doubt that he loves me with all he has, and I him. He's my rock, my anchor. My boys remind me that laughter is very important in life. They teach me something new at least once a day. Their laughter as they play makes my heart smile and reminds me that everything comes out in the wash. I'm trying to learn new ways to express myself, I've always had problems expressing myself. I tend to keep things bottled up until it fizzes over and I almost explode. So I thought that maybe if I tried to write some of my thoughts out maybe it will help me work through things as I encounter them. *ABS*

 

Busy, busy, busy!

Well, since my last post things have been kinda crazy! Ryder my 9 month old baby had his open heart surgery May 18 and came through it like the tough little champ we all knew he is!! He was in the hospital for 4 days after surgery then got to come home. Since then he's had his 2 week checkup with the docs at the ACH cardiology clinic and after a complete work up they gave him the thumbs up!! His heart looks and sounds great, His pulmonary (?) valve leaks a little bit, but they said if it leaks like that for the rest of his life it won't hurt him. They're still going to keep an eye on the valve as he gets older but they don't foresee any issues. He should be a normal happy healthy little boy, thank you God! We were SO relieved to get the good news at his checkup :). Kolton my big 6 year old tball player is doing great and enjoying his summer so far. His tball team is undefeated so far!! We had a little bit of sadness, his new pet guinea pig Cooper died after just 2 weeks :( we buried him in a baby wipe box in the front yard and said some nice words, Kolton has since recovered and is saying he wants a rat next (YUCK). Other than being really busy we've all had a good summer so far. Until next time g'nite everybody!

Some background info

Before I start posting normal day to day blogs, I thought I'd do a little background info first. First off, why I decided to start blogging, I've had ALOT going in in my life right now (more on that in a little bit) and I thought it might help to get it all down on "paper". I've never been very good at handling difficulties in a healthy way, I usually just bottle things up and never deal with it until I absolutely have to. Lets see, I guess I should start 7 years ago, in May 2005 I moved out on my own and graduated high school in that order. In June 2005 I met the man I would soon marry, in July 2005 we got married, nine months to the day later we had our first son 7 lb 12.4 oz 19 in long; he was beautiful and perfect. My husband and I have had our ups and downs but almost 7 years together and we're going strong. In February 2011 we found out we were expecting again, we were SO excited! We soon found out it was another boy (!!) We were all three excited. My due date was October 20, 2011, but my water broke when I was 31 weeks along and I had to be taken to University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences (UAMS), I was there for 9 days getting antibiotics, steroids, and lots of other medicines to help keep me healthy and to get the baby as ready as he could be for an early delivery. The dr.'s were hoping I would make it to 34 weeks but the baby had other ideas. At 32 weeks he decided it was time to make a grand and dramatic entrance into the world. And boy was it! He was breech, they couldn't find his heartbeat for a few minutes because he had dropped so far down, they finally found his heartbeat and also found he was about to try and come out rear-end first. They rushed me to surgery for an emergency ceserean section, put me to sleep, and when I woke up I was in recovery in quite a bit of pain. As soon as I woke up they told me that he was ok, he had to be put on a ventilator because he needed a little help breathing, but he was doing pretty good. He weighed 3lb 7oz and was 15.9 in long, they brought him to see me in his incubator, in my eyes, even with all his tubes and wires, when he looked at me with those big blue eyes he was beautiful and perfect. That was almost nine months ago, he spent 7 weeks in UAMS in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) they found a hole in his heart between the top two chambers (Perforated Foramen Ovale or PFO) he's got a heart murmur, when we took him for a check-up with the cardiologist at Arkansas Childrens Hospital in March 2012 they found stenosis (narrowing) of his pulmonary artery that only open heart surgery will fix. So that's what we're facing now, a 7-10 day stay in Little Rock at ACH, being torn between both of our sons that we love more than life itself. I'm tearing up typing this because it breaks my heart to have to leave one son to be with another. I hate having to split them up because my boys light up whenever they see each other. Its going to be hard on all of us until we can get this surgery behind us and my baby on the mend. My future blogs shouldn't be quite this lenghty, but I felt it was necessary to play catch-up, so that my future ramblings might make sense. So until next time, live well and prosper everybody.